We are going a little light today. A few weeks ago, I came across a job listing that was screen-captured by the culture/arts newsletter Filthy Dreams. The listing, posted on the New York Foundation for the Arts website, was put up by a mysterious “Art World Family” seeking an executive assistant in the city. The posting has since mysteriously disappeared, no doubt shamed out of existence, but it’s here in all its nightmarish glory.

There is really no reason to editorialize much, as the job requirements speak for themselves. Here’s a brief quote from the description: “The ideal candidate must be dedicated to a simple goal: make life easier for the couple in every way possible.” It’d be sublime if the posting was farce. It is horrifying that it is real—and one can imagine the impossibility of making these bosses happy. Quoted in full. I’ve added the GIFs for levity.

Description:

High-profile art world family is seeking a full-time Executive/Personal Assistant who is extremely detail-oriented, has excellent communication skills, and possesses a professional demeanor with a high level of discretion. Must have the ability to seamlessly juggle multiple priorities in a dynamic, unstructured environment and possess flexibility to change course at a moment’s notice. The ideal candidate must be dedicated to a simple goal: make life easier for the couple in every way possible.

Responsibilities Overview:

Travel

• Manage all travel bookings and itineraries

• Liaise with external high-end travel vendors to coordinate domestic and international travel arrangements. Create detailed travel itineraries for family to follow and make last-minute complex changes when needed. (This includes all aspects of business or personal travel i.e. cars, hotels, reservations, restaurant and personal activities, and airport escorts)

• Flag and arrange any international travel visa, health, or other requirements for travel when necessary.

• Manage travel family and Studio members when necessary.

• Provide support to family and team during both domestic and international travel, making any necessary changes and sharing updates throughout the trip.

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Calendars/Appointments

• Make restaurant reservations and RSVP to events (in communication with Studio Manager)

• Coordinate and confirm personal appointments. Prepare family for anything they may need to do ahead of time. Submit and process all paperwork related to appointments

• Follow up on all appointments ahead of time to confirm or reschedule as necessary

• Send daily schedule rundowns and reminders

Personal/Homes Duties

• Serve as the central point of communication to household staff (includes chef, nannies, landscapers, dog walkers, housekeeper, contractors, and building managers)

• Coordinate all cleaning, repairs, and guest stays

• Manage dog systems (potty breaks, food, daycare, dog walkers, vet appts), and help Studio Assistant with in-studio cats

• Apartment rooftop garden maintenance; watering twice a week, checking in to check on garden

• Run home-related errands around Manhattan and Brooklyn (Ex: dry cleaning, dropoff/pickup clothing from high-end stores, purchase gifts, grocery shopping, FedEx drop-offs/pickups, delivering gifts to friends’ residences, etc.)

• Coordinate deliveries at private residence while maintaining a high level of respect for privacy

• Be at residences to let approved messengers in and out when needed

• Coordinate schedules and payments for personal and home invoices with external accounting team

• Keep private family documents up to date and organized (e.g. passport renewals, birth certificates, global entry forms, drivers licenses, etc.)

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Other Duties

• Manage online subscriptions

• Manage IT needs (phones, iPads, computers) with Organizational Officer.

• Pack for travel

• Organize closet systems

• Setup and oversee libraries reorganization

• Work with Studio to help with ad hoc studio tasks (e.g. event planning and setup, studio organization, studio tours)

• Maintain guest lists for openings and events. Provide clean and updated list to Studio Manager ahead of exhibitions

• Draft thank you notes when necessary

• Assist Organizational Officer and Studio Manager with Studio parties and events

• Answer phones and greet guests

• Put together presentations and PowerPoint decks for work and personal projects

• Make in-person and online purchases (i.e. shopping, subscriptions, show tickets, etc.)

• Draft external correspondences for review

• Assist in content creation for social media

• Manage all medical need requests

Requirements:

• Must be comfortable with children as the family has a four-year-old child. You will be in their personal residence spending a lot of time with nanny and child. Sometimes left with the child alone. Flexible to be on call outside of the 10 am-6 pm workday. Will have to answer messages and take care of tasks before and after work, as well as occasionally on weekends

• Must be extremely discrete and professional in all communications

• Must have a valid driver’s license and be comfortable driving in and out of New York City (Ex: to Long Island)

• Some out-of-state or international travel may be required

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It’s a challenge to pick my favorite lines out of this posting, though the fact that they have to state “high-end” vendors and stores says pretty much everything you need to know. And if this newsletter somehow reaches the Art World Family’s nanny. I’d love to hear from you. Oh, the stories you could tell.

Have a nice Saturday, folks!

Neal